so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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