tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
