He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
