I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
