under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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