Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
