It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
