You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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