i can't believe i had my finger in that
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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