My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
