Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
