I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
