Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Are we still banned from the library?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
