we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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