On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
not ubering you a puppy
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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