Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
