So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
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I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
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So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize