Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
