these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
