The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
