My room smells like vodka and shame
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
