dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
