it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize