woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
