Everything about him screamed your future.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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