Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
