You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
