be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
