Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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