Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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