Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
