You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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