He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
