I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
