i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
