I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
