Dude my mom stole all your condoms
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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