I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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