are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
