Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
