Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
