haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
