you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
