I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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