WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
