Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
