why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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