1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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