I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
