I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
