I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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