You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
