just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
now i know why i became what i already was.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
