sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
birth control should be required to get into college
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
